Picture this...
You are wading in the water at the shoreline of the ocean. You see a wave grow larger as it travels towards you and you feel your body tense up, as if you are preparing to fight the movement of the wave, challenge it, or try your best to stay in the same spot with your feet planted into the wet sand beneath you. When the wave hits, inevitably, you are swept towards the shore, thrashing about, trying to resurface as soon as possible. You are thinking of nothing but surviving the thrust of the wave. When you finally surface, you gasp for air and try to regain that sense of stability you had before. It takes longer than you’d like because you are exhausted from battling the wave and your nervous system hasn’t yet settled. You may become fearful of the water, the waves, and the ocean.
Now imagine you had approached the incoming wave differently. Imagine that the wave is building in intensity and height in front of you. Your body naturally tenses to prepare for the wave, but before it arrives, you take a deep, calming breathe. You acknowledge the insistence and tenacity of the wave, intentionally relax your muscles, and choose to follow the path of the wave. As it swells in front of you, you let go of your footing in the sand and propel yourself upwards to meet the wave at its peak. You allow your body to travel with the wave and you remain buoyant at the surface. When the wave dissipates behind you, you find yourself in a new location, ready to stand again with stability.
This analogy resembles two ways we can approach challenges that arise that are out of our control. In the first scenario, we are fighting against the thing we can’t control, which often leaves us more exhausted and distressed. In the second scenario, we accept the presence of the challenge and find a way to move with it that affords us the best chance at recovering afterwards.
Resisting uncontrollable stressors increases distress.
When we determine that a situation or stressor is out of our control, it may feel as though we are at the whim of the stressor, as though the stressor chooses the outcome for us. Even more, the act of struggling with what we cannot control or rejecting reality, as it is occurring, tends to increase our distress and suffering. Thoughts like “why me?” and “this shouldn’t be happening” often come up and certainly do not help us.
We often feel like we don't have a choice in these situations. But, in reality, we do have a choice: to accept or not accept what is. You may not like or approve of the situation, but acceptance will allow you to feel a sense of relative peace and give you the emotional and cognitive space to move forward and direct your energy towards more fruitful endeavours. This concept of radical acceptance places power back into your hands.
Resisting can be the right thing to do, sometimes.
It is important to know that employing radical acceptance isn’t always the right move. There are some situations that it may be personally meaningful and important to fight back against something that is out of our control. The act of resistance can be healing too. In some cases, the benefits of fighting back or speaking up may outweigh the distress and arousal that comes with fighting or resisting.
The nuance lies in knowing when to employ each approach. It is common to unconsciously resist an unpleasant reality, change, or challenge. Practicing radical acceptance will increase your chances of choosing the best approach for each challenging circumstance as it arises.
Some helpful questions to ask yourself are:
What are the ways that I am resisting this change or stressor that is occurring in my life?
Is this resistance helping me more or hurting me more?
What are the ways that I can approach these stressors with more openness, acceptance, and flexibility, if appropriate?
So how do we radically accept? What does it look like?
Dr. Kristen Neff and Dr. Christopher Germer, seminal researchers in self-compassion, describe acceptance as being achieved through 5 stages/states (Neff & Germer, 2018):
Resisting: Struggling against what comes - “Go away”
Exploring: Turning toward discomfort with curiosity - “What am I feeling?”
Tolerating: Safely enduring, holding steady - “I don’t like this, but I can stand it”
Allowing: Letting feeling come and go - “It’s okay. I can make space for this”
Befriending: Seeing value in difficult emotional experiences - “What can I learn from this?”
Achieving acceptance can be aided by the process of silently contemplating or saying out loud, statements that model acceptance while taking a large, intentional deep breath. This might sound like:
The only moment I can experience is this very moment, and therefore it is the only thing I have control over
I accept what is happening, even though I don’t like it
I accept what I am feeling, even though it is uncomfortable
I allow this moment to be as is
The circumstances that led up to this stressor/experience are complex and exist in the past
Fighting against this experience will only add fuel to the fire
May I have grace to accept what is
I am leaning into this moment and taking back control
The most helpful thing for me to do is find peace in this moment, rather than struggle against it
Whatever is happening, is happening
If you can regularly incorporate this skill, you’ll notice positive impacts on your mental health, including increased confidence in facing the many stressors life throws your way, more energy to devote to what’s important to you, and a more regulated nervous system.
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